Rosemarygoestothemall.com

After a trip to the River Church to see what they’re up to, Rosemary buys her first pair of diamond earings, and then falls into a deep reverie regarding the meaning of the store name “White House/Black Market.” She falls in love for the first time at Local Charm. Total spent: $763.63. Total returned: $680.64.

Rosemary struggles to find items fabulous enough for her alter ego, the Lady with the Prada Sunglasses. With a productive trip to H&M, a bag of dark chocolate truffles from Harry & David, and a moment of reflection on having never been a bridesmaid at Jessica McClintock, Rosemary reaches a major milestone: at the end of the day, she has made it one-quarter of the way around the Mall of America. She celebrates at Wolfgang Puck Express. Total spent: $674.09. Total returned: $577.81.

After some uncomfortable moments at Tall Girl, the Sunglass Hut provides Rosemary with the opportunity to explore her untapped potential as a glamour girl. The Prada sunglasses she buys take possession of her, and guide her purchases for the rest of the shopping trip. Fantastically sexy Mia sandals at Macy’s and seersucker shorts at the Limited can’t possibly prepare her for what’s in store at Abercrombie. Total spent: $700.06. Total returned: $695.80.

Rosemary’s husband refuses to open the credit card bill anymore, while Rosemary plots how to introduce her new purple satin Puma sneakers into the house without ever actually telling him that she bought them. Trying to overcome her weak will and stop buying things for herself, she delves into the “nosebleed section” of the 3rd level: Bead It!, Rybicki Cheese, and Al’s Farm Toys prove particularly challenging. Total spent: $446.57. Total returned: $417.96.

Anxiety sets in as Rosemary starts to really shop for herself, with no intention of returning anything. Gym socks, purple satin Puma sneakers, and a whole boatload of cool stuff from Nordstrom Rack warm her up for the challenge of Sox Appeal, Icing, and Bow Wow Meow. Total spent: $398.95. Total returned: $153.52.

The dollar amounts of Rosemary’s purchases increase exponentially. After wringing her hands over whether to spend $18 on a facial mask at the Body Shop, she gets in touch with her inner shopping bitch by making the sales guy at Ben Bridge Jewelers gift wrap the watch she has just bought for Keith. A first brush with her chocolate demons at Godiva. Total spent: $1,117.56. Total returned: $979.40.

On her first day at the Mall of America, Rosemary tries lying and begging for shopping bags, to no avail. After a sushi lunch to regroup, she gets out her credit card and starts shopping. Goat milk soap, really expensive DKNY pajamas, and a Skwish toy for Lindsay’s baby get her warmed up for soul-searching visits to Coach and Osterman Jewelers. A giant cheerios pillow for the kids tops it off. Total spent: $425.53. Total returned: $383.14.